Where to begin? February was a month of
extreme highs and lows. Towards the end of January and the beginning of
February, I finally “pulled up my big girl panties” and got over the impending
deployment. It was coming, and there was nothing I could do to change it! It
was going to happen, so it was time to go ahead with my life.
Once that FINALLY made sense to me, and
seeped it’s way into my thick noggin, I was o.k. That’s really all I needed,
was to come to terms with it! I remember it hit me out of nowhere. It was like
a light bulb going off over my (thick) head! I was cooking dinner, and being
all “Woe is me, my husband is leaving.. waaah.” And, all of sudden, I was like “GET
OVER IT! Make the best of it! Quit yer bitchin’ and enjoy the time you have
left!”
So, that’s what I did.
We spent a lot of our weekends in
February going on dates for lunch, out for dinner, and celebrating our very
first Valentine’s Day together!
My attitude changed, basically overnight.
Instead of being sad that he was supposed to leave only a few short weeks
later, I was thankful that he was able to be there while he could! I also
realized that whether he knew it or not, MY attitude had so much to do with not
only how I felt, but also how he seemed to feel. It also set the tone for how
everyone around me would take the deployment too. I didn’t want to make him any
sadder about having to leave me behind! There was no reason in the world to
worry him anymore about anything at home, so that’s what I set out to do, keep
things together, no matter what.
That attitude adjustment, that I gave
myself that night in February, literally shaped my entire year for the better.
I could pull this off.
The end of February rolled around, and it
was time to experience my first “see you later” as we call them in the
military. (It’s never a good-bye!)
We talked about it, and decided not to
let too many people know when he was leaving, for not only OPSEC (safety guidelines
of what you’re allowed to say online and to other people before, during and
after a deployment) but also so we could keep the experience of him leaving
somewhat controlled and calm.
The night he left, we both just put down
our phones, computers, and anything else distracting and just focused on
spending our last little bit of time together! It would be the last time for
MONTHS that he would get to sit there on that couch, in our living room with
me, so we savored every last moment!
It was nasty outside and raining and
sleeting pretty heavily the night he left. (how appropriate!)
I
knew almost NOTHING about how sending them off goes. I didn’t know how they
left, what to do, where to be, I was brand spanking new to all of this
craziness.
When he left it all happened really fast,
but it’s something I’ll never forget. When they called his name, and we walked
over to the bus, I realized I had NO CLUE what I was going to say. I hadn’t
even thought of it, with everything crazy going on! But, true to form, he knew
just what to say to make the situation a little better. I kissed him one “last”
time, and then yanked him back to give him one more. I remember holding onto
his hand until the very. last. second. that I could, until we had to let go. I
looked down and saw our hands break apart. That was the last time I would see
him in person or touch him for 8 months.
Somehow, I didn’t cry when he left, even
though I wanted to. It started raining again, after they put them all on the
bus. As I was waiting, I saw a little girl
(probably no more than 4 years old) saying “Goodbye” to her Daddy. Her mom had
to basically pull her off of her Dad, and in between sobs I heard her crying
that she didn’t want her Daddy to leave. As her mom walked away with the little
girl crying over her shoulder, the little girl stopped, looked at me and waved!
I smiled back, and waved, and in that moment, I was like, “I can do this. If
she can do it, I can.” It’s funny how little moments can change your attitude.
That night I also got a good laugh out of
the fact that my husband was assigned to ride in the ONLY UK blue bus out of
the 8-10 busses that were there!
Of course he would be in that one.
February was really a month about growing
up and learning what it meant to “pull up my big girl panties and deal with it”.
I still feel pretty awesome that I handled all of that by myself. I didn’t have
any friends or family there with me when I watched the busses pull away for the
first time with my husband. I didn’t have anyone to walk with when I went back
to my car alone, or anyone to ride with me all the way home in the middle of
the night. I sent him off, drove home, spent the first night by myself in our
new home, in a new state, and did it all without breaking down and crying. It
would have been perfectly acceptable to break down and cry of course, but I
chose not to. It’s an accomplishment and an experience I am proud of. J
February was one of those months, where during
it, you think
“WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO ANYONE?”
because things just aren’t
going necessarily the way you planned. I had to give up all my control, send my
husband to war, and start to learn to handle things on my own in a new place!
But, now, looking back, it was a month that held experiences that really shaped
our marriage, shaped my outlook on life, and made me grow the hell up.
It
was rough, but I’m thankful we went through it!
